Sunday, September 12, 2010

You almost have to chew it.

Why, yes. Yes, I do enjoy flavor. And no. No, I do not give a rat's ass about calories.

I turn 30 in 3.5 hours, so I'm enjoying a beer. Nay, the best beer in the world. WHAT.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A question for those who get massages...

I know... I haven't been around much. This summer went by so fast! I spent most of it hanging with the kids, because my oldest (my daughter, who is now 4!) just started pre-school yesterday and I wanted to spend every available second with her, and my little guy, too. :-) Plus, who wants to sit in front of a computer when its 90 degrees out and there's a swing set and a kiddie pool in the backyard?

I will have more time in the coming months to keep this lil' ol' blog updated, but for now I just have a quick question for anyone who cares to comment. My birthday is coming up on Monday, and I'm turing 30!!! I'm actually kind of excited, and don't really have too much anxiety about leaving my 20s behind. Not too much, anyway. I'm totally going to rock 30. My hubby is taking the day off and got me a gift certificate for a full body massage! Woo hoo! I've only had one massage in my life, and it was akward and wierd, so I'm pretty much starting from scratch. I have one big question... do you strip down to your birthday suit or leave anything on? I don't want this to cause more stress than it is meant to relieve! So what is it, people? Naked or not?

Oops! Edited to add: And would a novice massage-getter be better off with a Swedish massage or a deep-tisssue? Pros and cons of each? Thanks for any advice!! :-)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Could I be... growing... as a person?

I've found myself quite boy-crazy as of late. Not that this is anything new. I've pretty much been boy crazy since 3rd grade. But what is new is the type of boys I find myself crazy for. Now let's get one thing straight. I am happily married to the most perfect man in all the world. These are celebrity crushes only, because frankly, I'm a spaz. I find most people repulsive in real life, and have very few, if any "real guy" crushes. And if I meet someone who seems to be "putting out the vibe" I freak out and run away. I'm lucky I met the hubby when I did, because otherwise I'd be a single gal in my single gal apartment, crocheting and watching "Tim and Eric Awesome Show: Great Job!" with my cats, wondering why I can't meet anyone who gets me.

It was the late 1980s, and I had a deep, dark secret. All the girls in my class were gushing over guys like Kirk Cameron or Scott Baio or Tom Cruise. Gross. My crush was on a man from a show that was over 20 years old and being shown on Nick at Night. You know, stuff old people watched.
I've written about my crush on Mike Nesmith before, so I'm not going to go too in-depth here. Needless to say he's delicious. His tall, dark and handsomeness (but not too handsome or cute - lookin' at you DAVY JONES) was ultra appealing to me, and the fact that he was kind of quiet and brooding and mysterious just made him even better. He wasn't the one the girls fainted in front of, and he wasn't a clown. He had dignity. He had class. And he had my heart. And since he was really the first guy to make me feel all funny and mushy in those oh-so-formative years, this "type" really stuck.

I wasn't SO counter-culture back then to not have had a few mainstream crushes. There were the Coreys (Feldman, mostly), River Pheonix, and Jonathan Knight. Well, Jonathan was sort of mainstream. Everyone else was oogling over Joey or Jordan, but I fell for the tall, shy, mysterious one. He didn't put himself out there like the others and that was compelling. Turns out it's because the screaming *girl* fans just didn't do it for him, but whatever. I still love you, Jonathan. You may have been my first gay-boy crush, but you weren't the last. It's not like I whip out a little note pad and check off qualifications before I decide if someone is cute, but I've come to realize if there are not at least 4 of the 5 following traits present, there is no attraction.

1. Tall (Benicio Del Toro. See also: 2)

2. Dark (Jason Schwartzman. See also: 3, 4)

3. Skinny
Adrien Brody (See also: 1, 2, 4)
4. Big and/or crooked and/or bumpy noseDemetri Martin (See also: 1, 2, 3)

5. Slight overbite

Jeff Goldblum (See also: 1, 2, 3, 4)

This is the basic template for any man I have found attractive for the last 20 years. It doesn't make me shallow, it's just how it is. My husband, Trent Reznor, Vince Vaughn, Penn Jillette, George Harrison, Dave Gahan, every member of Duran Duran... They have all been the same "type". Until recently. It started a few years ago when I was watching Peter Dinklage in The Station Agent and found myself thinking, "He is awesome. And kind of sexy, too. Wait, WHAT?!?" He sooo goes against my type! Then I just chalked it up to thinking he was sexy because he was just so awesome. I slowly had to admit, "No, I don't just want to hang out and play cards with this guy. I kinda wanna make out with him." And that seemed ok. It was ok to like a little person when any ogre over 6'3" could make me sweat. Right? You're damn right. You watch Living in Oblivion, then The Baxter, then The Station Agent, and see how you feel about him. Meow.

Around the same time, the hubby and I rented the first disc of "The Office: Series One" from Netflix. I was a naiive little girl who had never heard of the genius Ricky Gervais, and was about to have my world rocked. From the first episode I was hooked. Too bad there wasn't anyone sexy to look at. Martin Freeman is kinda cute, so I pretened I was Dawn. But every time Ricky came on the screen it was pure perfection. So what if I didn't find him attractive; I could still find him AMAZING. And the more I learned about him, the more I decided he was probably as close to the most perfect human being as one could get. Funny, brilliant, atheist, British with a dark sense of humor... Then I discovered he was in a NEW WAVE BAND?!? Again, I've already covered this, but it deserves to be said again. WATCH IT.

I seriously forget where I am when I watch that. *Sigh*

So... OK, where were we? Oh, yeah. He's awesome, but not attractive to me, blah blah blah. But he WAS attractive. Very, VERY attractive. Then I saw an ad for the Golden Globes that he was to host, and he was in a suit and a couple days' worth of stubble. Hmm... kinda cute... In fact, very cute. Fast forward to a few months later and he's all I can think about. He's the first against-type guy I've wanted to make out with, then marry and have babies with.

It has actually taken me a while to be comfortable with this. I've just been so used to being attracted to the kind of guys I've always been attracted to, that I couldn't even admit to myself I may be becoming more open minded. And I may have opened the flood gates. There are a whole bunch of people out there that are more attractive than the (long gone) 17 year old VegKat would ever admit.

There are the silver foxes:

(See also: really old guys)

The obnoxious Type A personalities:(See also: silver foxes, tall, skinny, overbite)

The really old guys:(See also: silver foxes)


And the women:Ok, so maybe I'm not becoming more open minded, just turning into a horny old(ish) lady. But... I can actually tolerate The Smiths now, and actually have one of their songs on my iPod. So that shows growth, right? And I used to wish the White Stripes would be eaten by the Bermuda Triangle, and now I'm in love with them. Doesn't hurt that Jack White has like all of the 5 magic traits...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Taking the fun out of funeral.

I had a pretty interesting and exhausting weekend. I had to travel back to the old homestead to attend a funeral. Boo, funerals. This one wasn't as trying as a normal funeral generally is, but it was still emotional, nonetheless. It was for my schizophrenic grandfather, a man I barely knew. As a child I would visit my grandparents' farm, and he was almost like an extra on the set of a movie. I honestly don't have any memory of any kind of interaction with him. Then when I was about 12, my Gramama left because she couldn't take it anymore. So in the last 17 years or so, the only time I saw him was at my great-grandma's funeral about 10 years ago. He didn't acknowledge me, and I wonder if he even knew who I was. I debated whether or not I should even mention anything in this blog about my weekend, because it was such a private, emotional time. And maybe someday I'll go into more detail about him and how he lived his life, completely detatched from reality. But for now I'll leave it at that, and just share a couple pics of the house he died in. This is not the farm from my childhood; he somehow aquired another farm and decided to live there, without electricity, plumbing or furnature. Sharing pics from the house my grandmother raised her family and where I spent so many formative years seems too personal right now.As you can see, he didn't live like anyone you probably know. Truth is, none of us knew him, either.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

An open letter to Dunkin' Donuts

Just submitted to You are dead to me, Dunkin' Donuts.

"I recently signed up for your DD Perks program and was pleasantly surprised to recieve a coupon in the mail yesterday for a free cup of coffee. However, when I went to redeem it today, after barely a glance, the girl behind the window said they "don't take those." Since this is not the first time I have been disapointed in your service, I would like to be taken off your DD Perks list and would prefer not to recieve anything from you in the future. They probably wouldn't be accepted in my local store, anyway.

In the past, I have orderd coffee with sugar and upon tasting it several miles down the road realized it had been sweetened with artificial sweetener. I don't consume artificial sweeter because 1) it tastes horrible and 2) it makes me physically ill. I have also had coffee that tasted like the coffee maker hadn't been cleaned in months. I sometimes ask for blueberry flavoring, and have recieved everything from nothing, to caramel to flavors I couldn't even place. I have even been charged for large drinks and been handed smalls. I am actually embarassed I have continued to purchase your products for this long.

I realize it's only coffee, but it is your business, and customer satisfaction should be your most important concern. From now on, I will be getting my coffee from the locally owned shop down the road. They have never messed up an order, use more environmentally friendly products, and frankly have better coffee."

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Water balloons and anarchy.

I do apologize for being so crabby in the last post, so here's something to cheer everyone up. Here are my two favorite skits from one of my favorite shows, "The Whitest Kids U Know".

Water Balloons:


Hee hee! Giggle giggle!

A feminist's Anti-Valentine's Day.

I'm going to come off sounding very cynical, somewhat bitchy and a touch crabby here, so if you love Valentine's Day, you may want to skip this. Several years ago, the hubby and I agreed to never celebrate Valentine's Day. Now, ladies, don't sharply gasp and cover you mouths while feeling sorry for me. It was actually my idea. Yep, you heard me. The one day of the year where men are guilted into buying jewelry, flowers and chocolate for their loved ones, and there's nothing they can do about it, I choose to ignore. I'm not really a huge holiday celebrater, anyway. Many have religous overtones that obviously don't apply to me, or they are some sickly sweet made up day that is there to make us feel like shit if we don't get the latest ugly diamond creation from Kay Jewelers, or the most expensive bouquet of flowers from Teleflora.

I hate how around this time of year, there seems to be only one question people can think of. The talk shows are asking their guests, "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" Or when you go shopping, the cashier says, "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" It's everywhere you go. I tend to get really annoyed with it and work myself up into a tiny bit of a rage. But this year, I told myself I was just going to ignore it. I mean, really, it's only about 2 weeks of annoying commercials, right? I was doing pretty good at it, too, until I saw this commercial, then the rage came barging in, full force.

Pardon my language here, but seriously. What the fuck?!? So the only reason men are supposed to send their girls flowers is to compete with all the other losers in her office? Really? Not once was there even a hint of sappy, lovey dovey stuff like, "Send her flowers as beautiful as she is." Of course, I hate that sappy crap, too, but still. The only message here is, "Send her our flowers so you don't come off like a dick."

OK, so let's say you like that sappy stuff and are jonesing for some, REAL BAD. Here you go:

COME ON! It's almost like the ad execs just kept sending it back, saying, "No! We need MORE SAP! Seriously, turn it up a notch, then turn it up like eight hundred more notches." Really, Kay Jewelers. I don't even know where to begin on this ad. The way she jumps into his arms so he can save her from... what? Lightening? Not very feminist, lady. Unless she saw some bloody guy in a hockey mask climbing his way up to their little lodge, there was no reason for that. "Don't let go, ever." Blaaarrrrgggg.

Don't worry. I'm not raising my children to be scrooges like myself. I can dig making heart shaped cookies and decorating them with pink frosting and red sprinkles. Then eating them all in 2 days. Ahem... And honestly I am super excited about helping my kids make those shoe box Valentine mailboxes in grade school. I think holidays are cool for getting kids all cute and excited and letting them decorate and all that fun stuff. But as I've grown up, I've lost some of the excitement. Especially for Valentine's Day. And most adult men aren't that into it, either. When we are out with guy friends or the hubby's co-workers this time of year, that question always comes up. "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" Mr. Veg will say, "Oh, we don't celebrate that." All the eyes in the room quickly dart over to me to catch my reaction, and I respond, "Yeah, we don't. It was actually my idea." Nearly every male face in the room is first hit with shock, like I had just smacked them across the face or something. Then I catch a glimmer of an expression I can only describe as, "Man... that's... awesome..." If they are there with their significant others, the "awesome" face immediately disappears so the "Oh, uh, that's weird and cool, I guess, but I like buying my wife crap" face can take it's place. But seriously, if the ladies aren't around, the dudes admit to not being fans of V-day.

I have mentioned before I used to sell fine jewelry. It used to be a department store called Famous Barr, but was bought out by Macy's after I left. Since most people have been to a Macy's or similar store, you know the kind of situation I am talking about. A jewelry counter with pieces more expensive than my car at the time, wrapped around the escalator and facing the men's Ralph Lauren department. I kind of had fun at that job at times, but mostly not. I hated that people wasted their money on sparkley little trinkets when I coudn't afford health insurance. But that's not the point I'm making here. V-day was a big holiday for us, because obviously we sold a lot of jewelry. I mean A LOT. And there were really only 2 kinds of customers for the 2-3 weeks leading up to V-day. The first kind were women who decided they would buy their own gifts because their husbands either didn't want to, or couldn't be trusted to pick out something good (i.e. expensive) enough. The other kind of customer were frenzied men who had no idea what to get their wives, but knew that if it sparkled it would be just fine. And saying the men were shopping 2-3 weeks before V-day is being a little kind. More like 2-3 days before. They would come in and say, "What's popular this year? Does it come with a bigger diamond? You can't go wrong with diamonds, right? She will have to like it, right? As long as it's shiny, right?" Honestly, this is how (most) men shop for women. They pretty much rush in last minute, then leave it up to the 22 year old girl behind the counter to pick something out for the wife. And obviously, I had never met the wives. So how the hell would I know what they wanted?

Maybe I'm just turning into a nasty, bitter old woman. But honestly, I have other interests and hobbies, and would actually be insulted if the hubby came home with a gold chain thinking that would make me happy. Luckily, I have an awesome husband. One year on my birthday, he sent me out of the house for the morning and told me he would give me a call when I could come home. When I did, I saw he had gotten me an aquarium, and he and one of his friends had set it up for me and gotten it running while I was out! Then he took me out to pick out some fish. EXACTLY what I wanted!! He had no experience (or interest, honestly) in fish, but knew that was what I wanted. And that set up wasn't cheap, either. But for some reason when I tell people about that gift, they act kind of weird about it. Like just yesterday I was getting my teeth cleaned and the hygenist and I were talking about the fish tank in the lobby. I said one year the hubby got me an aquarium for my birthday, and her response was, "Oh, men..." while she rolled her eyes. I didn't know what to say so "...Uh, that's uh... exactly what I had wanted..." stumbled out of my mouth. To assume a woman can only be happy with jewelry or something equally "feminine" is incredibly insulting.

So men, unless you ACTUALLY enjoy Valentine's Day and your lady ACTUALLY enjoys getting jewelry, don't stress so much about it. And ladies, think for a minute. Do you ACTUALLY enjoy getting jewelry, or have you just been told that's what you enjoy getting? Do you have any hobbies (fish keeping, knitting, woodworking, reading, etc.)? Wouldn't a fish tank be a wonderfully extravagant gift you would get some real enjoyment out of? Or some luxurious alpaca yarn and some hand carved wooden knitting needles? How about a first edition of a favorite book? See, the possibilities are endless, if you actually PAY ATTENTION to your mate and get something with meaning. Not some metal that's twisted into the shape(ish) of "embracing arms" to show her "love's embrace". How about actually embracing her and giving her something she really wants. That goes for you, too, ladies. If you do celebrate V-day, don't just expect him to shower you with gifts. Get him something super awesome, too!

Oh, and one more thing. I also think the feelings we're told to feel on Valentine's Day should be felt every single day. To save up all the sappy lovey doveyness for one day is... pretty stupid. Appreciate each other everyday, and maybe some dreary, rainy day in March you get her a bouquet of insanely bright, fragrant flowers to cheer her up. Just because. Or get him a DVD box set from his favorite director in the middle of January because you hear a snow storm is coming. Then hole up all weekend and cuddle while watching The Shining and A Clockwork Orange. OR---Do something really crazy and get him some cheery flowers or her a Stanley Kubric box set!

As for my plans for this Valentine's Day, I will be going to the grocery store with the kids, then finishing up laundry and maybe squeezing in a game or two of Candly Land