Loving my duality

100 years ago, I worked in a retail store. I started out at the jewelry counter and worked with Mary. She was thin, pretty and tan with a sweet little smile and perfect highlights. She always wore designer khakis with expensive but simple pastel tops. She was everyone's friend and would never talk about someone behind their backs, let alone right to their face. I wanted to be just like her.

Then I made the move to working overnight with the freaky freaks and trolls, unloading the truck and putting the merchendise out. I met Ann. She was a damn hippie with dreads, body hair (and odor) and ripped jeans. She told her boyfriend to fuck off almost daily, and would say the same to anyone else who looked at her judgementally (which was everyone). She followed Phish around the mid-west, smoked pot and rarely showered. And I wanted to be just like her.

So some days I'd say, "Screw it, I don't need a shower today," and be all pissy and confrontational. The next day I'd pull out my argyle socks and blow out my hair so it was straight and perfect. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to be. When I showed up somewhere in my Polo shirt and expensive rimless glasses, I'd see someone with tatoos and wish I'd left my bra and empathy at home. Of course the next time I'd go out in my heavy plastic glasses (before they were monster common) and no deoderant, I'd feel freakishly out of place and pine for opaque tights and Mary Janes. I could never get it right, and whatever I decided on felt wrong. Everybody I knew fit into their prescribed role, and were pretty one dimensional. (Although sometimes I wondered if Mary liked to be tied up...) I, on the other hand, couldn't figure myself out, and if I couldn't, how could anyone else?

Then one day it hit me. Why the hell do I have to choose? Can't I confuse people? Can't I be a feminist (albeit non-militant) and still want to be a stay at home mom to my two vegkids while my husband brings home the soy bacon? Can't I listen to The Clash and New Kids on the Block? Can't I be a nature-loving environmentalist and HATE camping? Because I am all these things. Some can call me a hypocrite, I like to think of myself as "multi-dimensional." I'm also staunchly anti-religion, but for some reason when I find out a guy is Jewish, I find him exponetially more interesting and sexy. I also LOVE Doris Day and all the rosy cheeked, apple pie-ness she represents, but I also love the sadomasochistic "Master and Servant" by Depeche Mode (and pretty much anything else they could ever do... except that appaling "Route 66" cover). Oh, and I don't take any shit from any guy, including my husband, and am far from submissive (and too lazy to be dominant), but I'm obsessed with the movie "Secretary" and sometimes (always) wish James Spader would spank me.... Meow...