New Year's resolution #1: Stop procrastinating!

I meant to write and post this like 10 DAYS AGO, but obviously I have issues with getting around to things. I've been super busy with my new hobby, embroidery (go here to see what I mean), and I haven't had any free time for anything else. Oh, except for giving hugs and kisses to my hubby and babies. But I've finally gotten the chance to sit down and come up with a list of 5 resolutions I think I can stick to. I'm not a "resolution" kind of gal. Obviously everyone wants to be more organized, stop eating so much damn caramel corn, make friends with their a-hole neighbors, blah blah blah. But I know that's never going to happen with me, so I'm not even going to pretend to try. Oh, and my #1 isn't stop procrastinating. That's my thing. That's what I do. However, I will try to update this blog on a more regular basis. It's fun and let's me get some ideas out into the world without boring my poor hubby to death with my silly ideas. Plus, I think sometimes, possibly a few people like to read it. Maybe. And it's not fair to keep you hanging. So, I will try to maybe promise to write here a little more. How's that for an empty promise?

Resolution #1: Use more perverted double entendres. Think Samatha from "Sex and the City", or Blanche from "Golden Girls" (see below). I'm afraid of that "Mommy trap" where I fall in and by the time I crawl back out I'm shopping at Wal-Mart in my pajama pants and Tweety Bird sweatshirt with Chef Boyardee stains, buying my kids the newest Disney DVD and Hostess cupcakes, then drive home in my mini-van with a Tinkerbell decal on my back window to match the Tinkerbell licence plate holder. AAAGGGHHHHH!!!!! NOOOO!!!! I gots to keep my sass! So, when little ears are not in the near vicinity, more perverted double entendres. Yes. That will prevent the Chef Boyardee stains.

Resolution #2: Drink more tequila.

I met up with some old friends over Christmas, and it was awesome. We went to see Sherlock Holmes (meh, but Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were delicious), then went to a Mexican restaurant at 3:00pm and split a pitcher of Margaritas. Then we all did a shot of tequila. Then another pitcher. Then more shots. It was awwwwesome. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm some sort of bad alcoholic mom. The hubby took the kids and they had a wonderful day of shopping with Gramma and Grampa. And I honestly don't drink that much. But when I do (and never, EVER around the kiddos), I like to drink. And drink... and drink. Now, if someone has an alcohol problem, obviously that's serious, but I think it's fun to drink once in a while, and it's refeshing when a celebrity admits to enjoying a drink (like Chelsea Handler. Awesome, awesome Chelsea Handler). My original resolution was "Only have one drink a week, but make sure it's big and stiff." (See resolution #1) But sometimes a girl wants a couple drinks, and no stupid resolution... that I made... is going to stop me.

Resolution #3: Watch more "Golden Girls". I picked up this dirty little habit while visiting my Gramma last month. Sure, it follows a very obvious "sit-com" formula, and it's insanely dated, but there is just something so clean and wholesome about it. And perverted. Dirty old ladies. I used to watch it with my Gramma when it was actually a new show. We'd eat dinner, clean up, and once it got dark, we'd get some cookies, snuggle up together in her big recliner and watch the girls. Obviously it wasn't a show that was very interesting for a young girl, but I loved spending time with my Gramma that way, and would always laugh when she would, even if I didn't get the joke. She's still super awesome, and the show always makes me think of her. That being said, I've always wished Betty White was my gramma, too. Not in place of my awesome granny, but in addition to. Wouldn't she just be the best? I thought if she and Bob Ross got together, I would always be at Gramma and Grampa's house. Then to balance out all that wholesome, cuddly goodness, I'd need a loud sassy gramma on the other side. Someone like... Joan Rivers. (No, I would not be Melissa Rivers' daughter. And yes, I'd have three grammas.) Of course there is no one who could be grampa on her side because she don't put up with no man. See, I could go visit my hippy painter Grampa Bob and we could create something happy and beautiful, then go see Gramma Betty in the kitchen and she'd have fresh baked cookies for us. She's say something like, "Oh, deary, that dress is just so darling on you. It really shows off your beautiful figure. But you look a little thin, you should have another cookie, honey pie." And I'd say, "OK!" After gorging on cookies, I'd head home, but stop at Gramma Joan's for a while. I'd come in and she'd say, "What are you wearing a dress like that for? You look like a hussie. And you might want to lay off the cookies for a while, darling." Then we'd talk about hot guys for a while. When I eventually make it home, my sexy neighbor, Alec Baldwin would be out getting his evening edition paper (because this also takes place in the '40s), and he'd call me over by my full name. "Kathryn, I have to say that dress is most becoming on you," he'd say in his gravely, manly voice. I'd blush, my shoulders would rise and I'd clasp my hands in front of me while digging in the dirt with the toe of my patent (fake) leather Mary Janes. I'd say, "I just got a new book from the library today." He'd say, "Well, I guess you'd better come over so I can read it to you, then."

Wait... What? Huh? Ooops, I guess I let my little day dream get out of hand. So... yeah. Watch more "Golden Girls."

Resolution #4: Break my goddamn dependancy on Chap-Stick. Seriously, I need to get off that stuff. And by Chap-Stick, I mean any lip balm. And if lip balm isn't around, I also mean Vaseline. Yes, I use it all the time as a balm. What? The main ingredient in Chap-Stick is petrolium, so don't act like I'm that weird. They guy who invented Vaseline wanted something to spread on his toast to keep him more "regular". Yeah, he used it as an edible, spreadable laxitive for his toast, so Vaseline lip balm isn't that crazy. Back off. I actually use natural products most of the time (Burt's Bees, natural yummy stuff I bought off of Etsy, etc.), but I seriously have a problem. At any given time, there are probably like 8 tubes of lip balm open in my house, and I always have one in my pocket. If my pants don't have pockets, it's in my hand. I get all panicky when there isn't one in my direct line of sight, and the second I feel like the waxy layer on my lips is getting a tad too thin, I gotta whip that shit out and lube up. Obviously one can't break a lip-balm addiction cold turkey (or cold Tofurky, if you will), so I've started trying to go longer and longer between re-applications. Some day I'll be able to run to the store without one on my person, but that's a big goal, and at this point I'm afraid I'd just buy a new tube (or 4) at the check-outs.

Resolution #5: Make more stuff! This year... wait LAST year, I think I found my artistic outlet in embroidery. I always fancied myself an artist, and desperately wanted to people to recognize me as such. In high school, my art class was full of slackers who just took the class because the naive teacher didn't realize said slackers would go behind the kiln and sell drugs. One other guy and myself were the only ones with any real talent. In my short-lived college career (Ok, Ok, I took one semester at a community college, but it still counts, so shut up) I was in the "artist" group and would have become a full-fleged art major had I not quickly grown tired of the school envioronment and realized it wasn't for me. In the years following, I would occasionally pick up my charcoals or my paintbrush, but it felt so forced. I never had any decent idea to get down on paper, and the few things I did do had been done to DEATH. Still life drawing of glass bottles. A painting of a flower. SNOOOZERS! My technique was good (I've always been good with my hands... heh heh), but my creativity was dying to break through. Last year it happened. I don't mention my craftiness much over here, because I have a whole blog devoted to that, remember? But in case you don't wanna check it out (why wouldn't you? It's awesome!), here's a sampling of what I've created: That says "Free thinker" in German and I'm gonna get that as a tattoo on my 30th birthday.
I guess I could have just summed up my resolutions into one: Be more awesome. And keep 'em guessing.