A feminist's Anti-Valentine's Day.

I'm going to come off sounding very cynical, somewhat bitchy and a touch crabby here, so if you love Valentine's Day, you may want to skip this. Several years ago, the hubby and I agreed to never celebrate Valentine's Day. Now, ladies, don't sharply gasp and cover you mouths while feeling sorry for me. It was actually my idea. Yep, you heard me. The one day of the year where men are guilted into buying jewelry, flowers and chocolate for their loved ones, and there's nothing they can do about it, I choose to ignore. I'm not really a huge holiday celebrater, anyway. Many have religous overtones that obviously don't apply to me, or they are some sickly sweet made up day that is there to make us feel like shit if we don't get the latest ugly diamond creation from Kay Jewelers, or the most expensive bouquet of flowers from Teleflora.

I hate how around this time of year, there seems to be only one question people can think of. The talk shows are asking their guests, "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" Or when you go shopping, the cashier says, "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" It's everywhere you go. I tend to get really annoyed with it and work myself up into a tiny bit of a rage. But this year, I told myself I was just going to ignore it. I mean, really, it's only about 2 weeks of annoying commercials, right? I was doing pretty good at it, too, until I saw this commercial, then the rage came barging in, full force.


Pardon my language here, but seriously. What the fuck?!? So the only reason men are supposed to send their girls flowers is to compete with all the other losers in her office? Really? Not once was there even a hint of sappy, lovey dovey stuff like, "Send her flowers as beautiful as she is." Of course, I hate that sappy crap, too, but still. The only message here is, "Send her our flowers so you don't come off like a dick."

OK, so let's say you like that sappy stuff and are jonesing for some, REAL BAD. Here you go:

COME ON! It's almost like the ad execs just kept sending it back, saying, "No! We need MORE SAP! Seriously, turn it up a notch, then turn it up like eight hundred more notches." Really, Kay Jewelers. I don't even know where to begin on this ad. The way she jumps into his arms so he can save her from... what? Lightening? Not very feminist, lady. Unless she saw some bloody guy in a hockey mask climbing his way up to their little lodge, there was no reason for that. "Don't let go, ever." Blaaarrrrgggg.

Don't worry. I'm not raising my children to be scrooges like myself. I can dig making heart shaped cookies and decorating them with pink frosting and red sprinkles. Then eating them all in 2 days. Ahem... And honestly I am super excited about helping my kids make those shoe box Valentine mailboxes in grade school. I think holidays are cool for getting kids all cute and excited and letting them decorate and all that fun stuff. But as I've grown up, I've lost some of the excitement. Especially for Valentine's Day. And most adult men aren't that into it, either. When we are out with guy friends or the hubby's co-workers this time of year, that question always comes up. "What are your plans for Valentine's Day?" Mr. Veg will say, "Oh, we don't celebrate that." All the eyes in the room quickly dart over to me to catch my reaction, and I respond, "Yeah, we don't. It was actually my idea." Nearly every male face in the room is first hit with shock, like I had just smacked them across the face or something. Then I catch a glimmer of an expression I can only describe as, "Man... that's... awesome..." If they are there with their significant others, the "awesome" face immediately disappears so the "Oh, uh, that's weird and cool, I guess, but I like buying my wife crap" face can take it's place. But seriously, if the ladies aren't around, the dudes admit to not being fans of V-day.

I have mentioned before I used to sell fine jewelry. It used to be a department store called Famous Barr, but was bought out by Macy's after I left. Since most people have been to a Macy's or similar store, you know the kind of situation I am talking about. A jewelry counter with pieces more expensive than my car at the time, wrapped around the escalator and facing the men's Ralph Lauren department. I kind of had fun at that job at times, but mostly not. I hated that people wasted their money on sparkley little trinkets when I coudn't afford health insurance. But that's not the point I'm making here. V-day was a big holiday for us, because obviously we sold a lot of jewelry. I mean A LOT. And there were really only 2 kinds of customers for the 2-3 weeks leading up to V-day. The first kind were women who decided they would buy their own gifts because their husbands either didn't want to, or couldn't be trusted to pick out something good (i.e. expensive) enough. The other kind of customer were frenzied men who had no idea what to get their wives, but knew that if it sparkled it would be just fine. And saying the men were shopping 2-3 weeks before V-day is being a little kind. More like 2-3 days before. They would come in and say, "What's popular this year? Does it come with a bigger diamond? You can't go wrong with diamonds, right? She will have to like it, right? As long as it's shiny, right?" Honestly, this is how (most) men shop for women. They pretty much rush in last minute, then leave it up to the 22 year old girl behind the counter to pick something out for the wife. And obviously, I had never met the wives. So how the hell would I know what they wanted?

Maybe I'm just turning into a nasty, bitter old woman. But honestly, I have other interests and hobbies, and would actually be insulted if the hubby came home with a gold chain thinking that would make me happy. Luckily, I have an awesome husband. One year on my birthday, he sent me out of the house for the morning and told me he would give me a call when I could come home. When I did, I saw he had gotten me an aquarium, and he and one of his friends had set it up for me and gotten it running while I was out! Then he took me out to pick out some fish. EXACTLY what I wanted!! He had no experience (or interest, honestly) in fish, but knew that was what I wanted. And that set up wasn't cheap, either. But for some reason when I tell people about that gift, they act kind of weird about it. Like just yesterday I was getting my teeth cleaned and the hygenist and I were talking about the fish tank in the lobby. I said one year the hubby got me an aquarium for my birthday, and her response was, "Oh, men..." while she rolled her eyes. I didn't know what to say so "...Uh, that's uh... exactly what I had wanted..." stumbled out of my mouth. To assume a woman can only be happy with jewelry or something equally "feminine" is incredibly insulting.

So men, unless you ACTUALLY enjoy Valentine's Day and your lady ACTUALLY enjoys getting jewelry, don't stress so much about it. And ladies, think for a minute. Do you ACTUALLY enjoy getting jewelry, or have you just been told that's what you enjoy getting? Do you have any hobbies (fish keeping, knitting, woodworking, reading, etc.)? Wouldn't a fish tank be a wonderfully extravagant gift you would get some real enjoyment out of? Or some luxurious alpaca yarn and some hand carved wooden knitting needles? How about a first edition of a favorite book? See, the possibilities are endless, if you actually PAY ATTENTION to your mate and get something with meaning. Not some metal that's twisted into the shape(ish) of "embracing arms" to show her "love's embrace". How about actually embracing her and giving her something she really wants. That goes for you, too, ladies. If you do celebrate V-day, don't just expect him to shower you with gifts. Get him something super awesome, too!

Oh, and one more thing. I also think the feelings we're told to feel on Valentine's Day should be felt every single day. To save up all the sappy lovey doveyness for one day is... pretty stupid. Appreciate each other everyday, and maybe some dreary, rainy day in March you get her a bouquet of insanely bright, fragrant flowers to cheer her up. Just because. Or get him a DVD box set from his favorite director in the middle of January because you hear a snow storm is coming. Then hole up all weekend and cuddle while watching The Shining and A Clockwork Orange. OR---Do something really crazy and get him some cheery flowers or her a Stanley Kubric box set!

As for my plans for this Valentine's Day, I will be going to the grocery store with the kids, then finishing up laundry and maybe squeezing in a game or two of Candly Land.